Let’s start by starting at the beginning of how a medication came into my life and why.
For the majority of my life I have suffered with depression. It was only until about 2-3 years ago that Anxiety joined the team.
I’ve always been a social person and crowds were often were I felt most comfortable.
I loved being surrounded – the hustle and bustle.
But it seemed that everyday boarding the train at the station was harder and harder.
I found myself breathing faster, I found my heart racing and perspiration pushing its way across my forehead. I would start to go into a full blown panic.
And, I’d have to get off.
I would do this sometimes up to 5 times before I was able to “suck it up” and push through the train ride to work.
It started to take over everything I did.
Simple things like getting in an elevator were nearing impossible for me. It came to a head in the summer when I was visiting San Francisco. A beautiful city that I fell in love with instantly. Most of my time was spent alone, and I went adventuring. I was enthralled by the idea of the aquarium and made my way there.
Everything was fine until I was met with the elevator and the fact that most of the interesting exhibits were on the bottom floor…below the sea….in the dark. No escape.
I really thought I could handle it.
I got on the elevator. Started to breath quickly and the panic didn’t fully set in until I was on the bottom floor, and simply could NOT get off the elevator. I was trapped.
It was by far, my most embarrassing attack. In front of staff and 100s of visitors including children.
Couple my anxiety with the thought that perhaps I had no purpose in life – and you have a disaster.
I found myself fantasizing about death constantly. I had no sense of fear and secretly hoped that maybe I would merely fall off into the tracks one morning. It almost seemed better than trying to actually board it since I knew my anxiety had other plans.
Oddly, anxiety is about fear – and when you hit depression like I had, you really have none. So it causes quite a problem in your brain.
After years of struggling and trying alternative methods, I sought help from my doctor.
She asked the question – “On a level of 1-10, where would you place yourself with regards to your depression?”
I sat at a pretty steady 3 most days.
Which, isn’t good.
I left the office with a 3 month prescription for Cipralex and a variety of pamphlets telling me that killing myself is a bad idea. Something I was already fully aware of.
For the majority of my life I have suffered with depression. It was only until about 2-3 years ago that Anxiety joined the team.
I’ve always been a social person and crowds were often were I felt most comfortable.
I loved being surrounded – the hustle and bustle.
But it seemed that everyday boarding the train at the station was harder and harder.
I found myself breathing faster, I found my heart racing and perspiration pushing its way across my forehead. I would start to go into a full blown panic.
And, I’d have to get off.
I would do this sometimes up to 5 times before I was able to “suck it up” and push through the train ride to work.
It started to take over everything I did.
Simple things like getting in an elevator were nearing impossible for me. It came to a head in the summer when I was visiting San Francisco. A beautiful city that I fell in love with instantly. Most of my time was spent alone, and I went adventuring. I was enthralled by the idea of the aquarium and made my way there.
Everything was fine until I was met with the elevator and the fact that most of the interesting exhibits were on the bottom floor…below the sea….in the dark. No escape.
I really thought I could handle it.
I got on the elevator. Started to breath quickly and the panic didn’t fully set in until I was on the bottom floor, and simply could NOT get off the elevator. I was trapped.
It was by far, my most embarrassing attack. In front of staff and 100s of visitors including children.
Couple my anxiety with the thought that perhaps I had no purpose in life – and you have a disaster.
I found myself fantasizing about death constantly. I had no sense of fear and secretly hoped that maybe I would merely fall off into the tracks one morning. It almost seemed better than trying to actually board it since I knew my anxiety had other plans.
Oddly, anxiety is about fear – and when you hit depression like I had, you really have none. So it causes quite a problem in your brain.
After years of struggling and trying alternative methods, I sought help from my doctor.
She asked the question – “On a level of 1-10, where would you place yourself with regards to your depression?”
I sat at a pretty steady 3 most days.
Which, isn’t good.
I left the office with a 3 month prescription for Cipralex and a variety of pamphlets telling me that killing myself is a bad idea. Something I was already fully aware of.
So there’s where it started – my journey on Cipralex.
For the first bit I felt amazing. It was great to not feel entirely like shit every day and it was nice to be able to board the train calm. If I had to rate myself out of 10, I was an 11.
I was doing AMAZING.
For the first bit I felt amazing. It was great to not feel entirely like shit every day and it was nice to be able to board the train calm. If I had to rate myself out of 10, I was an 11.
I was doing AMAZING.
But there’s something else that started creeping up.
What happens when you don’t feel anything? Nothing at all? No excitement. Nothing.
It starts to get weird.
Part of me was enjoying my new sense of not giving a shit about anything at all. The other part was scared that it might have an adverse effect.
After 3 months at 10mg I was still doing well.
There were a couple of things that were bothering me but the side effects at that time were nothing compared to what I was experiencing prior to the medication.
During the time I was fortunate enough to meet an amazing man. He was everything I had been searching for and more. Entering into a relationship while on Cipralex was different than anything I had experienced before. I knew I was excited and I knew I had feelings but it was so hard to actually FEEL them. It was starting to become a problem.
I then found out another startling side effect.
To anyone else who is on this medication, I know this is an issue for you. I read 100s of forums about it. Sex drive? Orgasm? What’s that?!
Questions I’ve never had to ask myself before. He started to get frustrated and I could sense it. Almost as if he was trying and trying and feeling that maybe it was his fault that nothing was happening for me.
I had to reassure him, but the damage was still lingering in the back of his mind.
He’s not good at hiding things like that.
Another thing that started to play a role was how tired I was all the time.
I mean, I could sleep for 15 hours, wake up and need to go back to bed. Getting up for work was becoming more a hassle than it was for me even on my most severe days of depression.
I found myself canceling social engagements – one after another just because I simply didn’t have the energy. I wanted to feel badly – but well, my medication was making sure I wasn’t feeling anything at all.
It all came to a head this past Monday.
I had just spent an evening with my boyfriend [who works out of the city so I only get to see him every 3 weeks or so] of which he left for work feeling like I was losing interest in him. He tried having a conversation with me about it, but felt awkward. It was hurtful to see him feeling that maybe I wasn’t as involved in this relationship as he had hoped since it’s the complete opposite.
I'm crazy about him, in every way. Why do I feel like I can't show it sincerely? Where's that glow in my cheeks? That spring in my step that I was feeling in my heart?
I weighted all the pros and cons of both being on and off Cipralex.
I found myself almost fearful of going off of it since I had read that there were people who suffered severe withdraw symptoms. I often wonder if perhaps they were on a larger dosage.
I also found myself feeling afraid of my anxiety returning but I had to think about the trigger to my anxiety to begin with.
The thing that initially started that spiral was no longer an aspect of my life. That part was long gone now and I can't help but wonder if that situation hadn't occurred if maybe I might not have had an anxiety issue develop. But that's an entirely different story.
At the end of my list, I came to the conclusion that I would rather feel something than nothing at all. And I started cutting my dosage down from 10mg to 5mg.
Today is my 5th day at 5mg.
Honestly? I feel great.
I feel that I have more energy - that I'm more productive. I got more done yesterday, that I did for an entire two weeks prior.
I'm considering stopping taking it altogether starting Monday - that's in 2 days.
The point of me writing this is to share my journey and my thoughts and also to get some feedback on your experiences on the medication.
I put out a call to see how many people I know who are also currently taking this medication and I was shocked by the number. At least 1 out of 4 people I know are currently prescribed Cipralex.
That's a scary number.
I'd love to hear about your experiences, both good and bad.
UPDATE:
Figured this was worthy of an update.
With regards to the medication, I am still on it. And back to 10mg.
My doctor was disappointed with my choice to lower my dosage without consultation.
Not much longer after this was written, my BF came to visit from work. Things weren't the same and I had been informed that much dishonesty and possibly infidelity was taking place.
After he returned home from out weekend, I never heard from him again.
No returned texts.
No phone calls [answered or phoned]
Facebook disabled.
He simply disappeared.
I was left here empty, confused and alone.
Of course, I will forever blame myself for some wrong doing.
I'm sure I deserved it somehow.
What happens when you don’t feel anything? Nothing at all? No excitement. Nothing.
It starts to get weird.
Part of me was enjoying my new sense of not giving a shit about anything at all. The other part was scared that it might have an adverse effect.
After 3 months at 10mg I was still doing well.
There were a couple of things that were bothering me but the side effects at that time were nothing compared to what I was experiencing prior to the medication.
During the time I was fortunate enough to meet an amazing man. He was everything I had been searching for and more. Entering into a relationship while on Cipralex was different than anything I had experienced before. I knew I was excited and I knew I had feelings but it was so hard to actually FEEL them. It was starting to become a problem.
I then found out another startling side effect.
To anyone else who is on this medication, I know this is an issue for you. I read 100s of forums about it. Sex drive? Orgasm? What’s that?!
Questions I’ve never had to ask myself before. He started to get frustrated and I could sense it. Almost as if he was trying and trying and feeling that maybe it was his fault that nothing was happening for me.
I had to reassure him, but the damage was still lingering in the back of his mind.
He’s not good at hiding things like that.
Another thing that started to play a role was how tired I was all the time.
I mean, I could sleep for 15 hours, wake up and need to go back to bed. Getting up for work was becoming more a hassle than it was for me even on my most severe days of depression.
I found myself canceling social engagements – one after another just because I simply didn’t have the energy. I wanted to feel badly – but well, my medication was making sure I wasn’t feeling anything at all.
It all came to a head this past Monday.
I had just spent an evening with my boyfriend [who works out of the city so I only get to see him every 3 weeks or so] of which he left for work feeling like I was losing interest in him. He tried having a conversation with me about it, but felt awkward. It was hurtful to see him feeling that maybe I wasn’t as involved in this relationship as he had hoped since it’s the complete opposite.
I'm crazy about him, in every way. Why do I feel like I can't show it sincerely? Where's that glow in my cheeks? That spring in my step that I was feeling in my heart?
I weighted all the pros and cons of both being on and off Cipralex.
I found myself almost fearful of going off of it since I had read that there were people who suffered severe withdraw symptoms. I often wonder if perhaps they were on a larger dosage.
I also found myself feeling afraid of my anxiety returning but I had to think about the trigger to my anxiety to begin with.
The thing that initially started that spiral was no longer an aspect of my life. That part was long gone now and I can't help but wonder if that situation hadn't occurred if maybe I might not have had an anxiety issue develop. But that's an entirely different story.
At the end of my list, I came to the conclusion that I would rather feel something than nothing at all. And I started cutting my dosage down from 10mg to 5mg.
Today is my 5th day at 5mg.
Honestly? I feel great.
I feel that I have more energy - that I'm more productive. I got more done yesterday, that I did for an entire two weeks prior.
I'm considering stopping taking it altogether starting Monday - that's in 2 days.
The point of me writing this is to share my journey and my thoughts and also to get some feedback on your experiences on the medication.
I put out a call to see how many people I know who are also currently taking this medication and I was shocked by the number. At least 1 out of 4 people I know are currently prescribed Cipralex.
That's a scary number.
I'd love to hear about your experiences, both good and bad.
UPDATE:
Figured this was worthy of an update.
With regards to the medication, I am still on it. And back to 10mg.
My doctor was disappointed with my choice to lower my dosage without consultation.
Not much longer after this was written, my BF came to visit from work. Things weren't the same and I had been informed that much dishonesty and possibly infidelity was taking place.
After he returned home from out weekend, I never heard from him again.
No returned texts.
No phone calls [answered or phoned]
Facebook disabled.
He simply disappeared.
I was left here empty, confused and alone.
Of course, I will forever blame myself for some wrong doing.
I'm sure I deserved it somehow.
